Feeling good...

The last few days I felt like crap. I mean, absolute crap. Migraine, stomach bug, huddled in bed, ready to just die. I don't know what the heck was out there, but I am thrilled that it's peaced out and moved on. Now my physical state matches my mental state which is great.

For the last two months, I was dating my ex. The one who broke my heart to a gagillion pieces and then road over those pieces with a tractor trailer and then scrambled to find the pieces and throw them in a river with an anchor on them, to never ever surface again. Lucky him, got a second chance to come back into my life. And oh how quickly that has come and gone. Thank goodness I proceeded with caution.

About 2.5 months ago, we began speaking. He said and did everything right. He was starting to earn the forgiveness of my friends, family, and most importantly, me, who to be quite honest, thought he should rot in hell for hurting me to begin with. Soon after, like I knew he would, he started becoming distant. Distant and cold. The sweet little text messages stop chirping in, the friendly yet flirty emails stopped trickling in my inbox, the calls stopped coming in. I found myself putting in all my effort and getting nothing in return. And then I got, "I love you. I want to marry you. But I already broke your heart once before and if I'm going to come back into your life in that way I want to make sure I'm 100%. I need to focus on getting X, Y and Z in order before I could commit myself..." Excuses. Always excuses. And while I respected what he had to say, it was exactly what he said the first time AND completely contradictory to what he said at the end of March when he was trying to ease his way back into my life. Felt like I was right back where I left off when I cut him out of my life the first time. It was the intersection of Lonely Road and Heartbroken Lane and I was not going back. So, as painful as it may be, I cut him lose; again.

A near and dear friend said the following and I couldn't have put it any better myself...

It definitely seems like he is trying to have the best of both worlds. And- if he truly loves you, he wouldn't put you thru all this. I can totally understand that whole fear of commitment, but don't mess with someone's emotions. I agree, you should definitely leave him alone. You're going to be happy with your own family. You'll have a husband that loves you and he will still be searching for Mrs. Right. Little did he know, he found her {more than once} and let her go.

And while it hurt like hell, this time it is a little different than the first time I cut him out. For some reason, I feel like I got the closure I really needed. I realized, I can't change him but I can change me. I can control how I act, and what I allow him to get away with. And poof, I'm done. And no, he hasn't quite gotten it yet. He says he "cherishes our friendship" and wants me to be apart of his life. Yea, whatevs. He can keep calling...and keep talking to my voicemail. I believe in second chances, but third and forth? Uh, no!

In other news, I met a new gentleman last month who is very interested in taking me out...and this girl just might let him. I had been putting him off while I was focusing on Ex and now that I realize Ex is Ex for a reason, I feel like I can actually go out on a date and have an open mind. I'll keep you updated...